I heard you arrived in the 21st Century this afternoon. As an early supporter of yours, I’d like to welcome you; I’m glad you made it safely. Many of us have been here for quite some time now, and we think you might enjoy it.

Now that you’ve completed your personal evolution on the issue of marriage equality, we all have permission to celebrate. Mayor Bloomberg declares a turning point in American civil rights! President Bush’s Solicitor General says marriage and equality are universal values! Earth was knocked 7 degrees of its axis!

And if all of that wasn’t enough, that gold standard in journalism, The Huffington Post, has declared that your simple eleven word statement “constitutes an act of political bravery.”

Hmm … while “HuffPo” saves itself from the pool of drool rising around its knees, I’d like to disagree slightly. You see, political bravery would have been pulling out that simple eleven word statement about 5 years ago while you were campaigning against a crop of Democrats and Republicans with whom you shared your previous, less-evolved position. Imagine that. Hell, I would even give it to you if you hadn’t used the caveat “for me personally …”

Instead, you’ve emerged from your cocoon the spring before a general election when you need to make sure you have the support of all those people who started to sour on you but can be easily distracted by one simple little issue. A time when, as “HuffPo” points out just a few short paragraphs after hyperbolizing the significance of this moment, your “support … will have little political impact … as much of the activity on the issue is occurring in the states and the courts.” A time when the GOP is raking in so much more cash than you that you sorely need the help of the wealthiest of your supporters, many of whom happen to be a) gay and/or b) famous and rich. Which is why you will be a hero at George Clooney’s house in a few days.

So, bravo! You may not have really turned the tide as you might have by doing this five years ago, but hey, everyone’s talking like you did. And maybe it will be enough to get some of us fired up and ready to go!

Get someone to accuse me of fathering her baby so we can go on Maury and do a paternity test and shout at each other and the audience can go “OHHHHHHHHHHHH” when the results are revealed in my favor.

One day, God looked in the mirror and was all, “Woah, this beard has really gotten out of control. I’ve got to get a job.” Like most great inventors, he was living in his parents’ basement in Heaven since he graduated because he couldn’t keep a normal job. (Bible Study Question: Is this true?)

So God decided, “You know what? I’m going to make something.” He floated out of heaven and into space, which, of course, was naturally occurring since the beginning of time, and he was like, “LIGHT” and then light happened. Then he was all, “EARTH” and there was earth. “OCEAN” and there was ocean. “WIND! FIRE! ANIMALS! CREEPY THINGS IN THE OCEAN!” And that all happened. He rambled on for either 6 days or several billion years, whichever you believe, demanding other things as he thought of them.

Instantaneously, God became the greatest inventor ever, and the greatest CEO of the greatest corporation in the history of the universe! He called it Earth and made the logo an image of what Earth looked like. He really preferred literal, minimalist design in those days. Since he had worked so hard, he took a vacation.

When he got back, he hired his best buddy, Lucifer, to be the COO. God would soon regret this. DRAMA!! More on that l8r.

So Earth was a good company already, but it needed a few things like employees and cubicles (Bible Study question: Why?). God and Lucifer were at a board of directors meeting one day and realized this.

“You know what we’re missing?” Lucifer asked.

“What?” God asked back.

“Employees!!” Lucifer said.

“Ahhh Hahahahaha!! Of course! That’s why I hired you as my COO, Lucifer, you’re really good at this job.” God said. “But what kind of employees should we make?”

“Well, you invented all that great stuff, but none of it is branded.” Lucifer pointed out.

“Ohhh, good call. So we need … a …”

“Brand manager.” Lucifer said.

“BRAND MANAGER!!” God said louder.

“He should also have relevant experience in gardening if you’re going to ask him to live in a garden.” Lucifer was beginning to get a little irritated with God because he felt like God was a little dumb when it came to actually running a company like this. This was Lucifer’s first mistake.

NEXT: The Universe’s First Brand Manager/Garden Boy or, A Damn Good Idea

I see one basic problem with all the translations of the Bible … that I’ve read. Which is two. Well, technically I’ve read about 71 percent of one translation and 22 percent of another. So I guess I see one basic problem with the roughly 93 combined percent of Bibles that I have read, and that is that they lack character and originality. Everything is too plainspoken. “God did this.” “Satan did that.” “This thing happened.” Lame!

I really wanted to get to the heart of the stories, uncover nuanced details, or at least make some up. So after going to seminary—okay, it was a Christian Liberal Arts college—and majoring in Biblical Studies, I decided to re-translate the Bible myself.

Now when I say I majored in Biblical studies, what I mean is that I was required to take Old Testament and New Testament courses. And when I say re-translate, I guess a more accurate word would be interpret. But hey! You say tomato, I say clamato juice. Maybe you say interprelate. Maybe I will start saying that.

Along the way you will find questions to guide your Bible study and shape your understanding of what actually happened in the story.

1. What does that mean?
2. Why?
3. Where?
4. Who am I talking about?
5. Who are you?
6. Is this true? Seriously, I don’t know, can you help clarify this for me?
7. OMG! Can you believe that? LOL!
8. May I please have a Coke?

Coming soon: GENESIS. Or just the best parts of it.

Last time I suggested that Lady Gaga is an alien. Today, I am prepared to offer my first piece of evidence.

Seen here 44 years ago appearing as “Shirley” in the 1967 Batman episode entitled The Unkindest Tut of All, is Lady Gaga, AKA Patti Gilbert.

May it please the Court of Public Opinion: on March 28, 1986, the alien known as Lady Gaga exited her human vessel known as Patti Gilbert, and entered the one known as Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.

By trading the name used in her performance as a human (Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta) for her actual alien name (Lady Gaga) this extraterrestrial is employing a clever alien deception tactic to gain the admiration of millions of people around the world.

We must remain vigilant and protect against her treacherous techniques of manipulation and mind play or else we will not be able to thwart the pending war against mankind.

Just a heads up.

More evidence to follow.

Dear Tim,

Why aren’t you famous?

Your biggest fan,
TmLwsLvr

Dear TmLwsLvr,

First, a question for you: Why don’t you use vowels consistently?

Second, and this could get confusing, but I am famous, only just in the future, which is technically the present for some people. But for most people it is the future because most of the human race has been destroyed by a six-column assault on civilization: 24-hour cable news networks, politicians/elected officials, global warming, aliens/Lady Gaga (OH YEAH, WAIT UNTIL THAT BOMBSHELL DROPS ON YOU, ASSHOLES), Wall Street (duh) and putting girls ages 4-12 in lingerie.

How do I know this? I transcend time and space.

Please keep LVNG me,
Tim

—

Dear Tim,

Is Harry Potter gay?

Sincerely,
Buzz in Roanoke

Dear Buzz,

The one in the book? No. The one in the movies? Yes. The one in the video games? No. The one in Equus? Yes.

What is Buzz short for, by the way? Are you the one that went to the moon?

Tim

—

Dear Tim,

A jihadist recently called for David Letterman to be assassinated. Are you concerned about your own safety?

Yours truly,
Elaine Quijano, Filipina journalist, CBS News

Dear Elaine,

I’m a huge fan. Thanks for writing. I think this really is a silly question for a journalist to ask, but I will answer it anyway.

No.

Tim

Do you love shouting at people with the vigor of a drunk, homeless person as they walk past you on the street but fear being confused for said homeless person? Are you pushy, so pushy and rude that you will suggest that a total stranger take out their headphones and stop enjoying whatever it is they are listening to in order to talk to you? Are you obnoxious, so obnoxious and lacking in self-awareness that you will point your index fingers to the corners of your mouth to suggest that a total stranger flash you a smile?

Do you love those vests that look exactly like the ones nurses wear to carry shots around in? What about messenger bags?

Do you have a pet cause that you care about, or can you easily adopt one, like the environment, starving children or whatever, or at least have the ability to feign deep concern for the environment, starving children or whatever?

Then this job is for you! You will make an excellent Annoying Person on the Side of the Street Representing [Name Brand Organization].

START DATE: Immediately
WHERE: The corner of any street in any city in America
PAY: You are currently unemployed, right? Then “commensurate” with “experience.”